Unsure of myself, but trusting God's direction...

Something that I've kind of been thinking about lately is the fact that trusting the Lord's direction and communing with Him is so much more important than having a plan for future events. I don't understand why I should ever be skittish and worried when all the direction I need is found in Christ. Unfortunately, I struggle with this constantly. Like most people, I always want to know what's going to happen next and what I should be doing now to prepare for it. In reality, knowing that I can place all of my trust in the hands of a soverign God who knows what He wants for me, future events should be the least of my concerns. I pray that that Lord develops in me a heart's desire to just give my best effort to honor Him in each day and rest assured that He knows what He's doing. This year has been such a testimony to that fact and I smile looking back on it. Though I look forward to heaven with so much anticipation, it's such a joy to enter each day not knowing exactly what lies ahead but having confidence in God's plan and purpose. I want to live each day with that mentality and ask for the Lord's grace and patience with me as I learn how to do so. Merry Christmas everyone! God's blessings to all!

For His glory, Josh Gilbert

2009: A little up, a little down, but a lot of God's provision...

2009 has probably been the most exciting year of my life. As you might recall, I began last January with the intention of returning to The Master's College in Santa Clarita, California to finish out my studies in Biology. However, the Lord had different plans for me and provided me with the opportunity to transfer to Baylor University in Waco, Texas. I did transfer and after catching up from being a week behind everyone else that semester, I had some time to adjust to the new school. By God's grace the transition went very smoothly. While I really missed my Master's friends, I met some good people at Baylor and joined the fencing club to stay active. Little did I know that my involvement with the fencing club would contribute to my summer job. In April, I posted some of my info online and was called and hired by Pine Forest Camp in Greeley, PA as a fencing counselor. I studied hard to close out the semester before returning home, doing some shadowing at local healthcare facilities, and finding a work study job for the fall. I soon flew out to work at the camp and had one of the best learning experiences of my life. I got to visit NYC and met some good people there. It was a long but relatively productive summer and I flew back home with about a week of break left. After spending some time with the extended family, in town from Michigan, my brother, Dad, and I flew to Dallas to get set up for the new semester and part ways. We dropped my brother off first and soon I was back in Waco getting prepped for a new semester. I arranged myself with a very busy schedule this past fall and had to cut back on extracurricular involvment to lock in on my schoolwork. Everything ended up working out pretty well and I'm so thankful for the Lord's provision in carrying me to the other side of it. I'm also thankful to have nearly a month off to regroup and reflect now. What's in store for 2010? Only God knows but I trust His plan and pray that He gives me the strength and wisdom to fight through whatever circumstances He allows to take place. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours!

Blessings in Christ, Josh

Thanksgiving blessings from the Lord...

Well, tommmorow is Thanksgiving and I figured that I'd try to write down all of the things I have to be thankful for this year. This might help me from complaining about the things that I don't have and see just how many ways the Lord has been working. First, je suis en bonne forme! Thankfully, I haven't had any serious physical ailments this year. God's given my body and mind the strength to work hard physically and academically. Sure I've been fatigued and overwhelmed at times but He's helped me keep going. Second, He's given me a family that seeks His direction in our lives. My parents have been very supportive in all the places I've gone and new environments I've tried in the past few years. Other times they've given me wise advice to keep away from things that might have otherwise harmed me. My brother and sister are an encouragment as well and we're able to keep each other in prayer throughout all of the different obstacles we face. Third, He's given me a place to live and food to eat. I've had a roof over my head everywhere I've slept this year, from a dusty cabin bunk bed to the floor and couch in my dorm room and my oversized bed at home that could probably hold three of my 5'6", 140 pd. frames. I've always had plenty to eat and drink and, more than that, healthy food and drink to keep my energy and stamina up. Fourth, I've been given independence and adventure. God has provided me with many opportunities to go different places and meet different people these last few years. I've had to mature a lot, but still have a long way to go, in learning how to deal with stress and dissapointment. I've been with my family and away from my family, and both instances have been an encouragement. The Lord has given me moments of downtime to spend with Him in order to regroup and refocus. I've gotten to travel, via work and school, to the East and West Coasts and the South before returning home to the Midwest. I even got to run a half-marathon earlier this year, something I had really been looking forward to! I'd encourage you, no matter what your circumstances might be this night before Thanksgiving, to thank the Lord for all of His provision. This is my fourth Thanksgiving away from my family but I now without a doubt that there are people in far, far worst circumstances. Those that have lost their jobs, those that have lost their friends and relatives, those that have terminal illnesses and little hope for living much longer. But wherever you're at in life, remember that the Lord allows everything to happen for His purposes. Trust in Him and never allow your heart to grow bitter, that's a dark and lonely road to travel. He cares for us, look to Him for guidance and direction. May you and yours have a blessed Thanksgiving!

In Christ, Josh Gilbert

Don't ever forsake trusting God in the midst of difficulty...

If there is one thing I've learned from this semester, it's the fact that I am a very weak and vulnerable being. I try to put on the facade of being tough and rough, able to survive and thrive in the hardest of circumstances. That's exactly why, when my grades started dropping at the beginning of this semester, I reevaluated my motives. My thoughts started to drift. I thought, "Well, right now I'm trying to obey the Lord and look where it's gotten me. I'm enjoying my time with other people, I'm enjoying fencing, and I'm enjoying life. But,,, I have poor grades." My errant solution, "God must not care about me. I've got to make my own way. If I want to do well it's up to me to make that happen." So, as the grades improved, my attitude toward the things of Christ soured. I began to wonder why I even believed what I believed, seeing that currently I was able to do a decent enough job of making my own way, much better than I had in the past. However, I've recently come to the conclusion that no matter what "gains" I make in life, they are nothing apart from Christ. I have no care about the job or salary I need to make if I am embittered and untrusting of the things of Christ. I might always sound self-centered in the notes that I write but I hope that's not the case. I'm just a man like every other, having a changed heart only by God's grace. I struggle, discourage, fatigue and exhaust just like every other human. Any strength that I try to muster on my own is useless. I can't be who God calls me to be unless every moment of my day is spent meditating on Him and His Word. As Luke 12:25-28 (NASB) says, "And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters?
Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith!" Why can't I remember that? Why do I even dare to be strong on my own? These verses strike a vital cord in the pride and arrogance that have characterized my life lately. What has caused me to forget that every breath I take is a gift from the Lord? He brought me to Master's! He brought me to Baylor! If He wants me to stay at Baylor He will provide for me to stay here! Dear Lord, I repent of my foolish desire to try and manage things on my own. Please forgive me, I have inflicted this misery on myself. Help me to know that you are the only true source of joy and gratification in the life of the believer. My heart is heavy because I know that I have not trusted your provision during this semester. I forfeited Your provisional grace and strength and have tried to fight without You, the God who has saved and delivered me from eternity and hell. How can I be joyful and settled when I lose faith in You? You have been and will continue to be my strength and contentment. Please give me strength I need to stay afloat in these difficult classes. If it's not Your will for me to continue down this road, please help me to know what you want me to do. Lord, you know what is best for me and every believer. Whatever life throws at me now and in the future, please help me never to forsake You strength for my own. I am frail, weak, and in need of Your grace and strength. Keep me safe from the enemy and help me to open Your Word daily so that You may provide me with the wisdom and instruction that I need for each day. May You be glorified in all that I do! Amen.

Hopeful in knowing that He will provide in His time,

Josh

The mid-semester slump...

Welp, here I am again. As is typical for halfway through a semester, I'm a little bit distracted. This is about the time in the semester when I start to get a little restless and long for the world outside of academia. A world where the stresses are real-life scenarios and the numbers game no longer matters. Where success is measured more by how you deal with distress and adversity than by how well you're able to cram a bunch of random facts into your 3 pound memory machine :) Thankfully, I don't have much coursework up for this week so I can afford to step back and look at the broader perspective for a second. Anyway, earlier today I was looking at different PA schools that I'm looking at applying to. I finally mustered up the guts to calculate my science GPA (EEEEKKKK!!!). It wasn't as bad as I thought and it looks like I still have a shot to be somewhat competitive as long as I can hold par relatively well this semester. I'd like to apply to New Mexico and Arizona (location's a big factor there:), but I'm open to pretty much anywhere I can get accepted. I obviously don't have my life planned out. Just kind of taking it one day at a time, trying to trust the Lord with whatever doors He opens or closes. I've really enjoyed this semester so far, especially extracurriculars like fencing, small group, and football and volleyball games with friends. It's been a very challenging semester academically though. I kind of got swept of my feet by my chordate anatomy class. I expected it to be just a typical, basic anatomy class but there are shores and shores of information that must be commited to memory to succeed in the class. Unfortunately, I suffered through the first lab practical and lecture exam before this realization struck me. Physics is what I expected. The lab isn't too bad but the lecture requires a lot of formula memorization. I had a tough time with the last test and I'm dreading getting the grade back. *Loud sigh* I feel like life will be made so much simpler when I don't have to worry about putting up impressive letter grades just to have a shot at getting into grad school. These semesters are long and tough. The Lord has granted me the strength to scrap my way through 3 years of college and a summer of Organic Chemistry with little secondary preparation. I didn't take any AP classes, wanted to be an Athletic Trainer but went with Biology/Pre-Health aided by my parents and advisors direction, and did distance learning at home for my 3 years of "highschool" before jumping into a world of unknowns a month and a half after turning 17. I had to laugh a little as I was calculating my science GPA earlier. Each class had some sort of weight and struggle associated with it but the Lord has been faithful to me through each of them regardless of the letter grade. I bounced from private college in Southern California to taking Summer OChem at a state university back home and ended up leaving SoCal for Baylor in Central Texas in early January this year.... One thing I've learned in my short life and continue to learn is that the Lord has a plan and purpose through it all. I struggle to believe it sometimes but the more triumphs and struggles he brings me through, the more I see that this life is about glorifying Him. I can disgrace and mourn over all the reasons why I'm not cut out for a "succesful life" but what good would that do. He wants me to focus on Him, not my pathetic plans for the future. May we all seek His direction in the days and weeks to come!

Blessings,

Josh

Do I really belong?

Well, I find myself in a very familiar position. Struggling big time at the beginning of a semester. Clueless about what my future holds. Very dissapointed and trying to understand how and why I always seem to be in some sort of trouble. I don't mean anyone any harm. Maybe I don't have a tunnel vision perspective on life and lock myself in my dorm room to study every day after classes. But I don't drink, smoke, or flirt around with girls everyday either. I'm obviously not distracted. My biggest entertainment comes from playing sports and watching football on the weekends. My favorite part of the day is tutoring kids at a local highschool because it gives me the opportunity to help them with what I know which gives me the greatest, undescribable joy. Why am I so bad at school at the beginning of every semester then? Can't life ever give a guy a break? I have honest intentions. I'm really trying..... Though I always end up in the same position one thing is there to comfort me. The Lord has always brought me through these quirky, horrid circumstances. I don't need perfect grades to plan for the future. I need to have a heart that desires to please the Lord and lives a life reflecting that desire. As Micah 6:8 says, "He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?". I'm a mortal human being, made of dust with limited strength. The Lord will give me what I need, regardless of what circumstances suggest.

May we all find peace, strength, joy, help, and trust only in Him,

Josh

It's been quite some time...

Well, I haven't written a blog for a while so maybe now's a good time to do it. Right now, things are pretty chill. Just eating some air-popped popcorn. Much better than microwave in my opinion. This has been a very busy week though. Had a Physics II test yesterday that was pretty challenging. Soccer and volleyball have turned out to be very fun classes. French, Anatomy, and Writing have been pretty fun too. I'm still doing fencing and I rejoined Medical Service Organization. Right now I'm just trying to do well in my classes and determine what to do after I gradute in Spring '11, Lordwilling. Anyway, I'll try to start writing on here more.

In Christ, Josh

The Ups and Downs of life...

I've been thinking about a lot of different stuff over the last few days. Yesterday was my birthday and as I reached the 20-year mark, I reflected on everything that has happened in the last year. I wrote this in my journal so I'll save the time of rewriting it for now. Anyways, I think that, especially this past year, I'm seeing how life can change so quickly. A specific example from working at the summer camp I'm at humored me a bit. The owner of the camp commented me on doing a great job with the fencing program, at which I blushed in aw-shucks gratitude, but just a few days later the same owner was upset that I wasn't doing a good enough job supervising the campers. Now I don't mean in any way to offend either the owner or the camp but this just highlights a principle I've been seeing more recently. If you are thanked you can just as soon be shunned, if you are thrilled you can just as soon be disappointed, if you are settled and comfortable you can just as soon be scattered and displaced. These circumstances can all be reversed to give a positie connotation but the same example holds true. Life changes. It will change. It's very nature keeps us on the edge of our seats wondering what could happen next. I feel that I've come to the point in my life where I've stopped trying to figure out what could happen next. This potentially produces two different thought patterns in my thinking: either I can live life unplanned, spur of the moment, apathetically or I can do my best, trusting that the Lord will see it through and work out all the details that I can't possibly predict. I try for the latter option but far too often my thoughts stray toward the former and its counterpart of worry. I guess that it has just led me to realize that I need to depend on the Lord for all that tommorow holds and stop biting my nails or giving up because I have no idea what lies ahead. I pray that the Lord will help me to trust Him more and more in the days to come.

In Christ, Josh Gilbert

So PA school it is! Proverbs 16:33 (NASB)

Proverbs 16:33 (NASB) says, "The lot is cast into the lap, But it's every decision is from the Lord." My life has been an exact replica of that verse. Though it's been tough to trust the Lord's sovereingty in things at times, it's ultimately made me have to trust in Him more. Life has seemed so random at points but after reading this verse again I know that it's not. Our Lord knows what's best for all of us. With that said, I feel that the Lord is directing me toward going for PA school and hopefully a Master's degree with it. I like the humanities and psychology feel of the Physician's assistant program better than that of a Physician. I find great enjoyment in talking to people, learning about them, and determining how they could use my help. Anyway, so that's what's new for now I guess. I figured I'd list all the PA schools I'd like to apply for and we'll see where the Lord leads from there:

1) Baylor College of Medicine (Houston, TX)
2) Arizona School of Health Sciences (Mesa, AZ)
3) University of Iowa (Iowa City, IA)
4) Yale University (New Haven, CT)
5) Seton Hall University (South Orange, NJ)
6) University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center--Dallas (Dallas, TX)

Well, I guess that's the top 6. We'll see how the Lord leads. At this point in my life I have to take it one day, one breath, one moment at a time. I do trust that however it turns out God will provide for the best. Whatever He can use for His purposes. That's what life is all about.

In Christ, Josh Gilbert

Despite life's twists and turns, God is always there...

It's been very nice to relax for the two and a half weeks that I've been home. I've gotten to watch some movies with the family, take two trips to where we used to live in MN, run a Half Marathon, lots of good stuff. I'm very glad for this break because it's been and will be one of the more extensive breaks I've had in the last two years. It's also a good time for reevaluation of where I'm at spiritually. I feel like I've struggled more lately to remember why I am on this earth. I feel like I'm just going through the motions of life, drifiting in the monotony of distractions. I'm trying to remember that the Lord is still right here with me no matter where He places me in life. I'm also trying to remember that Christianity is neither a show of theological understanding or just being a nice person who is hospitable to people. It's a life that is lived out by trusting in God, reading His Word and praying, and just desiring to live on this earth for His purposes. I feel like sometimes I just struggle with wanting to be nice and helpful to other people but forget that I should be doing it for God's glory. It's not enough to just do good if it's not done for God's glory. I pray that He'll grant me the grace to connect these two. I feel like, ever since I transferred from Master's, I've had to look at life from a broader perspective. This isn't a negative because it's just given me a better picture of what the rest of the world is like. As long as God gives me life I pray that He can use me as a beacon for Him to this fallen and confused world. Apart from His grace I would be ignorantly drowning in the same vanity. It's a daily battle that's impossible for me to win without His neccesary intervention. So I guess the biggest thing I'm learning is that I just need to turn to Him for strength and wisdom. I won't survive this world's sinful attacks otherwise. I pray that He gives all of us as His children the strength to stand for Him as the days worsen.

In Christ, Josh

Thoughts on life...

Well, I am very thankful to be done with finals! Since I didn't know when my last final would be during all the beginning of the semester chaos, I'm not actually heading home until Wednsday afternoon. I hope to use this time at least somewhat productively.... I've been thinking a lot more about life again these last few days. My heart aches at all the sin and corruption in this world but rejoices to know that the Lord is real and He will protect His children. My heart also delights to know that He will provide in the best way academically. Anyway, not really in the writing mood right now but hopefully I can write some more later.

In Him, Josh

Finals week approaches...

For some reason I've been having a very difficult time not being severely worried about this finals week at Baylor. I should be fine with passing all of my classes but I just still feel very worried. My GPA could be anywhere from 2.8 to 3.45 depending on how my finals go. One of my classes the final is worth 50% and for another it is worth 25% of the grade. I had to take pressure finals at Master's too but for some reason my O-Chem finals at River Falls and the finals I'm taking here at Baylor have me more worried. I guess I feel like since the class sizes are bigger and I'm more anonymous the professor's won't be nearly as willing to curve class scores. Here I feel like, no matter how hard the test, there will always be a good 10% or so that still ace it. This is great for those students but, for pre-med requirement class at least, I tend to be between the class average and those genius people. And this semester has really been a "get your feet wet" semester for me. I'm not complaining but it did take a little bit of shifting to get used to everything here. Even now I don't feel totally in the mix yet. I'm greatly anticipating the fall Lordwilling because then I can plan everything out, bring more stuff, maybe a longboard/skateboard, and just be ready. However, the Lord worked this whole thing out awesomely and no complaints. All just to say that this semester has been a challenge but the future, for the fall semester, looks bright. The summer looks bright as well! I'm so excited to have a break from school for a while. Really I haven't had more than a month or so block off since Summer 2007, about two years, because I took OChem summer classes last year. Maybe for most people that wouldn't be tough but I like to be out and about meeting and working with people so for me it is. Anyway, I'm definitely doing my best. Only finals to go!!! May the Lord's strength despite my weakness show in this finals week!!!

For His glory, Josh

Learning to praise the Lord in the midst of the good and the bad...

Well, I wanted to go to bed but I have to wait another 45 minutes or so for my clothes to dry. Thought that I'd write another blog during the down time. This has been a very difficult but blessed week so far. As mentioned in my last blog, I did poorly on my Genetics test. After verifying with the professor this morning, I left his office with the same grade and nothing I could do to change it. I really feel that I tried my best to study my hardest but for some reason couldn't seem to put it together well enough to perform strongly on the test. I don't want to blame so I take full responsibility but it doesn't make it any less disappointing. Anyway, so the week was going really smooth before I hit that bump in the road. Two very good things have also happened this week though. I was hired by the camp that I discussed in my last blog so I'm really thankful for the Lord's provision in opening up that opportunity. It should be very fun and rewarding and I'm really excited! Also, my sister got accepted into Westminster college that she's been working very hard towards with a half-ride scholarship. My parents consented today I guess and I was really happy for her. My biggest prayers for her are that the Lord would allow her to draw close to Him in the days to come. It's tough for all of us to remember the true source of our skills and talents and to stand firm in Him. I struggle much with this, I'm sure my brother does, and I'm sure my sister will too. The important thing is that we desire to please Him and enjoy the day He's given us for His purposes. Anyway, my body is starting to get sleepy. Gotta wait about a half-hour still though. Oh well. Good night.

In Christ, Josh

Musings from a frustrated but trusting heart...

Something happened today. Well, first a lot of good things happened today. I've been praying about finding a summer job still and a few camps replied to my applications. One had a very unique and cool opportunity where I may get to work as both a gymnastics assistant coach and fencing coach. I was so encouraged and excited during the early afternoon that I could hardly contain myself. When I returned to my room after Genetics lab and getting dinner, however, I was informed of something really bad. I did very poorly on a Genetics test that I studied very hard for and treated as if it were a final. I've been fuming about the result all evening but it's also got me thinking. Do I really trust God or do I only trust Him when He works things out the way I want Him to? I feel like I do the latter more often than not. It's not the bad test grades that gets me mad but the ramifications of them. Will I get into medical school or PA school? Will I get to keep my scholarship at Baylor? Will my parents be mad at me? Will others look down on me? Will I end up jobless because of my poor performance? All of these things ruminate in my thinking when something bad happens academically. But something I was thinking about earlier really helped me put things into perspective. Consider the chain of events before taking a test. First, you have to study of course. To study you have to be able to see and comprehend. Who gave me vision and a brain to comprehend course material with? The Lord. Next, you have to wake up in time for the exam. Who kept me from sleeping through the exam and woke me up on time to shower, eat breakfast and prepare for the day? The Lord. Finally, you have to actually take the test. Who gave me the ability to choose the right answer with my pencil or process the intricacies of a complex formula? The Lord. Why then do I worry about the grade I recieved? If I prepared and worked my hardest for God's glory I have nothing to worry about. Sure, people might be unkind but I can't change that and my goal shouldn't be to make them happy anyway. I should be doing what I do to glorify the Lord. Not to say that I'll never be disappointed but the extent of that disappointment can't really go that far. The Lord: brought me to Baylor in time to register for Genetics, provided me with a good friend to help me study Genetics, and, all things considered, has provided me with passing grades so far. What do I have to complain about? Have I really come to the point of thinking that I have to have control over my life? What can I give or do? I'm a feeble, weary human with nothing to offer apart from God's grace. Why then am I putting the reins on my shoulders when all the strength that I could want or need is found in my loving Saviour (Matthew 11:28-30). What's the point of college if the Lord's purposes can't be furthered because of my stubborness? I don't know what the future looks like, where I'll be what I'll be doing. All I want is a heart that desires to glorify God and loves Him more than anything or anyone else. Lord, please help me to see this. Please give me security and strength in the days to come. Life seems so unpredictable to me sometimes but I know that Your plan for everything is far beyond the scope of my microworld. Whatever lies on the road ahead guide and protect me. Help me not to grow bitter or weary but to trust in You and persevere. You know what I need and I trust that You will provide in the days to come. To You be the glory for all eternity. Amen.

In Him alone, Josh

It really is only for God's glory, look around a little bit, nothing else matters....

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately as I walk around from class to class, fall asleep in the still darkness of night and wake to the bright hope of morning. I've just been thinking about how vain life really is apart from God. Just think about it. Every human is born an insufficient intracacy of tissue, bone, and blood, still woven together under God's masterful design. We soon learn to talk and walk and eventually we start school for the purpose of learning so we can work together with other humans to help take care of God's designed world. We work for years and years and soon, if God keeps us from the many afflications that could cause an early death, we die naturally. Our flesh eroding to nothingness but our spirit going one place or another. How can one claim atheism? To truly believe there is no God you would basically have to stop breathing or eating. Where did it all come from? The heart that beats faithfully, rhythmically, helping to circulate blood under lungs which help us breath. What about the food we eat? Why do we get obese from eating more food than the body needs and why do we get malnourished from not eating enough? Who established that "set-point" that establishes optimum health in our bodies? What about thinking and feeling? The brain has a variety of different lobes that give us a memory, sensory perception, and emotional perception. Where did these come from and why are humans the only ones that care for God's created earth? Why all of these things? Because God established all of these things to be or to put it more simply He said so. Belief in atheism or any other religion suggests a depressing and confusing life. How could we be just entities made to reproduce, rebel against our heart's conscience, and cease existence? Do we get a job just to make a living or, at best, enjoy the short time we've been given on earth by living in luxury? Why do we get diseases? Why are people poor? Why are people crazy? What a cruel existence that would be if all we had to look forward to was sleeping in a recliner in our air-conditioned homes watch our high def tv's. Or, how about the American favorite, sticking two pieces of noise-filled plastic pieces in our ears so we can just tune everything and everyone out. I'd sure like to think that there's something bigger to life than all that pointless, useless, hopeless pursuit. And, by God'd grace in sending His Son to sacrifice his life for His chosen children's sin and rejection of Him, there is much more to life. We are all part of God's magnificent plan. However, as part of that plan those of us who believe and trust in Him will spend eternity in heaven with Him while those who don't believe will spend eternity in hell. I think it's time that all of us take a step back and take a good look at ourselves. As Christians, do we really see our filthiness apart from God's grace? Or have we gotten so caught up in self-righteousness, sarcasm, and, my biggest struggle, doubt, that we have orgotten who we are and why we are here? God does have a plan, there is no need to doubt. Just the thought of living in a world without our Lord and Creator gives me the shudders. Even the most basic life functions require His regulation. We age, we travel, we sleep, we smile, we cry, we question but at the end of the day nothing has changed. Our God still sits on the throne and allows everything to happen that happens for His divine plan. With that in mind I don't fear death and I don't fear life. What is there to fear? I want to obey God and honor Him with my life. That's all. Maybe I'm not the smartest, strongest, or tallest but He can still use me and every other Christian. We are His children. I'm glad that He reminds me when I start to forget, that nothing else matters but desiring to glorify Him with my life....

In Him, Josh

A nice, relaxing Saturday night...

Today in the life of Josh Gilbert started in the wee hours of morning (about 6:30) with me walking to the Ferrel Center during the beginnings of a sunrise. I helped out at a water station for the half-marathon, "Bearathon", that the school hosted. It was really cold but fun to get out and break the monotony of a typical school week. Then I got to Skype my best friend who's doing a Bible extension program over in Israel. It was seriously one of the best convos of my life. Helped me to get a better picture of what life as a Christian is like. It isn't a life of fluff or easy decisions but rather a life of struggles and tough decisions. Not to say that joy isn't present in a Christian's life (it should be, especially when we consider that the Lord has soverignly ordained to eternally deliver his children from sins ultimate rule), but it is definitely a battle. He also pointed out to me that maybe one of my biggest struggles is thinking that I had something to do with my salvation. I often get caught up in fearing that I will fall away from the Lord or that I need to try to do the right thing based on my own morals instead of for His glory. I also worry so much about how I'm doing and base far too much of where I'm at spiritually on how I feel instead of desiring to be who God calls me to be for His glory and His glory alone. This is something that I will be in prayer about in the days to come. It's amazing to me how quickly I forget all that the Lord has done. It hasn't just been the semi-miracle of coming to Baylor a week late just a few days after being accepted. It's been the multiple ways the Lord has shown His power and provision; from delivering me from suffocating teenage rebellion about 5 years ago to completing Summer OChem, from providing for me to attend college in CA and TX, two states which I had no familarity with and not really any relatives that I knew, from working at a summer arts camp in Northern Michigan to the wild ventures of a van trip to Tulsa, Oklahoma last fall with Master's. Life really isn't crazy. It seems disordered at times but I know that when it's all said and done, and even now, the Lord has a plan and a purpose for every single thing that has happened. He knows what we need so much better than we do. I sometimes like to think about "It's a Wonderful Life", the classic black and white Christmas movie. Though the movie didn't have a neccesarily strong Christian basis, it was still encouraging to see how the life of a single individual can affect the world. As a Christian, it's comforting to know that our Lord is continually in the process of directing things and nothing lies outside of His soverignty..... With that said, I think now is the time to start realizing that this life is about the Lord's purposes. If He desires to continue to allow educational opportunity for me (maybe this applies to you to), I must give my best and ask for His grace in pluggin away at it. Just because I can't see what good it's doing it now doesn't mean it's useless. It just means tht I need to trust the Lord, who knows exactly what He wants to do with my life and the life of every believer. It's in His hands and for His glory so I must trust Him, desire to please Him with my work and life in general, and work the hardest that I can at it, knowing that's who He wants me to be. Not perfect Josh who is impatient with school and worries about what the future holds, but Josh that loves and trusts the Lord and wants to see Him glorified on this earth more than anything else. The battle between the flesh and the spirit rages on. But He continues to deliver me and I can with sincere confidence in Him that He always will. "When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will beee, When we all see Jesus we'll sing and shout the victoryyy". Don't lose hope. God is the same God He's been through all of history and His promises are true and right. Look to Him for guidance.

For His glory, Josh Gilbert

Very, very thankful but still trying to sort everything out...

I've had a really tough time lately not being fearful and nervous about my obvious imperfection. Whatever it is, I feel like the bar is set so high with things. I feel like I must get a 3.5-4.0 for my 13 hours of classes this semester, I must be a good friend to others and treat people in a way that glorifies the Lord, and I feel like I'm almost waiting for something bad to happen. I'm almost thinking, "Ok, that worked out good, hmm worked out good again, when is the bad gonna come because I know it's inevitable." I feel insecure also because, no matter how much I desire to glorify the Lord with my life, I continue to stumble. I'll be totally downcast and without hope and when the Lord grants me the grace to stand up again I'll start to think, "Oh, I got this now" and get prideful and stuff. I HATE THIS. I also hate when I struggle with looking down on people because I know how much this hurts from my own experiences. I just hate sin as a whole which should make me even more grateful that the Lord has delivered me from its ultimate binding grasp. The tough part is that I know that I will never be perfect and must depend on the Lord's guidance and strength to make it through each day. What do I have to pride myself in? And I'm serious here. What have I ever done or said apart from God's grace that has been of any value. I'm a nobody just like the next guy apart from God's grace. If I had to control my life what a scary scenario that would be. I don't know what next year or even the next day holds in my life most of the time. But I know that, instead of insecurity, this should cause me to trust the Lord more and more deeply as the days pass. So I guess trusting the Lord is the biggest thing. Not trying to overthink or overmanipulate things but just trust in Him and continue to ask Him for guidance. It's so tough not to feel ill-equipped for the battles of each day though. All the sin in this world just continues to sink my heart and for me to know that aprt from God's grace I'm the same way just crushes me even more. I'm so easily tempted and lead astray apart from His grace. But, I will continue to press on, by His grace and prayerfully for His glory, trusting that He will provide in the best way no matter how much I struggle in my sinful humanity. Man, it'll be great to be in heaven and not have to worry about sin anymore. But for now, God wants me and every other earth-living Christian here. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139:23-24, NIV)

Realizing my falleness apart from His grace, Josh Gilbert

"Five Nights" by Lawrence Blatt is definitely one of the most comforting songs I've listened to :)...

Just had to post that as the title. That song seriously makes me feel so relaxed and assured that everything'll be alright in the end. Therefore, it also means that things won't be alright until the end. Life will continue to be a struggle at points, I'll continue to struggle with focusing on school and of utmost greater importance I'll continue to struggle spiritually. I'll continue to struggle with insecurity and worrying about what the future holds. But I can take comfort in knowing that I am securely held in the arms of our Savior and know that, indeed, everything will be alright in the end. Good night world :) In Christ eternally, Josh

Augh, why does it seem that, as a Christian, going to church is one of the most painful things for me. Lord knows and He'll provide...

Wow, going to church gives me one of the most 'fraidy cat feelings more than ever right now. I've, and my family, have seriously probably been to at least 70 churches over our lives and since I've been in college I've probably, at least visited, about 10 different ones. Church is really a tough point for me because I feel like I'm just not a good fit at most of the places I've been to. I'm not a super social bug but I still love to talk once I get to know people beyond the surface. In other words, while people at churches, especially other college students, are talking about college retreats and drinking their coffee and eating their doughnuts, I'm the one that's left out because I'm the newbie and haven't been a part of the group for 3 years. But when it really comes down to meeting a person for who they really are and what they truly desire in their lives, then I absolutely love to talk. The problem is almost exclusively conversations among college students and even kids and adults in modern churches seem to be more about the peripherals. Nobody, or very few, want to plunge beneath the surface and get to know the real person......So anyway, the church situation is really one that has caused me much turmoil and difficulty. Especially at college where I'm the only newbie and don't have my family as a cushion. The following is one that I've, sadly, put together in trying to decide where and with whom I should go to church this Sunday:

Option #1: Don't go, sit in my room and waste Sunday till the Super Bowl comes on.

Problem: As a Christian I'm commanded to go to church somewhere and be part of a body of believers. Also, I really don't like the feeling of not going to church. I feel like I'm missing something the rest of the day and even into the week.

Option #2: Go to the church I went to my first Sunday here at Baylor (I didn't go last week. Partly cause I was so down about this.) with the people I went with. Enjoy the same 'ol walk in, walk out message like I have all my life.

Problem: I don't particularly like just going to church, singing for a half hour, sitting down for 45 minutes, and leaving as quickly as possible. I've often wanted to do this just because I normally don't get to talk with anyone while others are chatting. If we are the body of Christ, shouldn't we be able to have deep, sincere conversations with each other with HIM and HIM alone as our connection point. Not coffee, retreat, or discussing TV sitcoms and sports. At least not letting these things dominate our conversations.

Option #3: Go to the same church with this really nice girl that invited me this week. However, this option poses more risks than the others. Since I'm pretty much black and she's white I risk being looked down on or stared at because of my small stature, color, and/or gender. However, if none of these are the case (which is tough for me to believe) I could get to know people and get more involved as opposed to just going and leaving (as in Option #2).

Problem: Many risks.

Question #4: Go to church that I've heard is semi-encapsulating and reclusive with its members. (Similar to the feel I got from Grace Community Church. Get involved with the church and stay there. You can't and won't leave, ever! You must only associate with "church people" and enjoy the company of fellow believers alone around special coffee and doughnuts and small groups and retreat groups.)

Problem: As God's Word says, we are to be the salt and light on the earth/world (Matt. 5:13-14). How can we be these when all we do is talk amongst ourselves! We need to get out and fulfill The Great Commision. How can we expect God's Word to impact people's lives if all we do is sit around drinking coffee, goofing around, and pretending to be scholarly, theological intellectuals. So theological that God's Word becomes something to joke around about, not the Ultimate Authority for governing our lives by.

I know that these are tough questions and I will need to be in much prayer for where and with whom I should be going to church with in the future. I'm thinking that I'm going to go with #3 for this week just because there are many risks involved. The other questions have seemingly been answered already so I could play it safe by going with them or I can take a risk.

But, in reality, I took a risk in coming down here to Baylor. I take risks all the time. I have too. There are many things that I have no idea what the outcome will be and just have to trust that the Lord will guide me in the right direction. But the wonderful thing is that I knw He will. All that He wants from me is a heart that desires to please Him and I pray that He gives my heart that desire more and more every day. When I try to manuever on my own, give in to areas that I'm tempted in, or just think that I can coast on through life into heaven, these are the times that I struggle. Because these are the times that I'm trying to make my own decisions and basically saying that, even though God has showed me countless times over the years that I can only be who He calls me to be by asking Him for grace to do so and trusting and following Him, I can do it on my own. I know what's best for me. While I think I do, I always end up regretting it and being ashamed and broken that my pride swelled into ignorance and caused me to make poor decisions.

I can only be who He calls me to be by His grace and I pray that no matter what happens, anything and everything that happens, that He allows my heart to solely desire to trust in Him and honor Him in every part of my being. Nothing else matters....

In Him, Josh

I know that everything will be alright in the end by God's grace, now if I could just trust that...

I dunno the last few days I've felt very worried and insecure with things. I've been tired and sleeping a lot more and feel on the edge with a lot of stuff. I really want to trust God with everything but don't feel like I am enough. I've really enjoyed being here at Baylor so far but am just having a difficult time being settled with everything. I keep getting concerned that I'm going to be rejected again. I don't want to feel this way but I really have a tough time getting over being treated poorly by people, even if it's only a few. I feel like I've been knocked down and getting back up will just cause me to get knocked down again soon. I get feeling really timid and shy around people and assume that they'll think the worst about me even if I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point in their lives so I'm trying to think in that light. I think I've been sleeping more because I just want a hug or to hug my bed and not have to face the difficulties of the world ever again. Sin lurks around every corner, sometimes people that you trust very much give you a devastating blow to the face when you're not looking, you don't look like anyone else, you're constantly trying to find an identity in the different places you end up in life....the world definitely can seem like a hopeless ploy sometimes. But in reality I know that life is not hopeless. I serve a loving Savior who has placed me here in this time, this place, and this body for His purposes. Ya, maybe it isn't comfortable all the time but it doesn't need to be. My strength should be found solely in Christ, so if I'm looking for a hug or other illusions of true comfort, I need to realign my thinking. My only hope and strength is found in Christ and I know that He will provide. He continues to and I now that He will till He brings me on home. In Him, Josh

God's soverignty in the life of this child of His purely and absolutely defined...

Well, after all that is happened in the past two weeks, I must just stand back, look at the whole picture of things, and say "Thank You Lord!". There is absolutely positively no way that any of this could have happened apart from God's grace. I am still kind of sleepy but I know that the Lord will give me strength to adjust. After sitting in the dining room at home as a student planning to return as a student to The Master's College in Santa Clarita, CA two Tuesdays ago (January 6), I now sit in a dorm as a student at Baylor University in Waco, TX! So much has happened in the last two weeks that I'm still trying to figure out what to think of it myself. But I know that the Lord will provide, not only because I know that He has promised to provide which is enough in itself, but also because He has demonstrated His ultimate provision and soverignty in marvelous ways to me over the past two weeks! May He allow me to stay focused on Him and give my best effort toward my studies here at Baylor and may He be glorified as a result of everything! I'm ready to get some more sleep right now but again I am just very thankful for the Lord's provision. I pray that this encourages you as well!

In Christ, Josh Gilbert

Welp, a lot has happened in the last day and a half....

Imagine fearing that something horrible is going to happen and then it happens. I'm sure this has happened to you, but it has definitely happened to me in the last day and a half....Yesterday, about noon, I sent a message to one of the other students in the Physiology class that I completed last fall to see if she had recieved her grades for the class yet. I went outside and played with the dog for about an hour and back in the house recieved a reply to the message. She said that she had recieved her grades and was very dissapointed with them. After saying a quick prayer, I checked my grades as well and was jaw-dropping horrified. The very semester in which I had accumulated through the first 13 units about a 3.65 GPA drastically took a devastating turn. I recieved a C grade in my 3 credit Physiology I lecture class and an F grade in my 1 credit Physiology I lab class. I was horrified beyond words! All I could do was bang my fist on the table and stare with a blank mind at the posted grades. How could this happen? How could THIS happen? In the week prior I was looking at summer internships and trying to study to take the MCAT in April. And now, now I was trying to figure out where I would be attending college for the next semester! I know that this sounds too bad to be true. At least to me it does. Because I've already been to the bottom because of overscheduling. But this time, this time I had done nothing wrong. I studied the best and prepared the best that I could for both courses, ensuring that I focused my time and attention on these major courses. How could this happen? I feel like I've been living in a nightmare the last day and a half as I've frantically applied to University of Wisconsin Madison and Baylor University to see if I can get admitted for their respective Spring semesters. How bad can it get for a student? At what point does one start to lose his perception of all that is good because of gross injustices? How can one continue through this? How do you keep going? Well, I don't know. But I know that the Lord does and He's going to help me get out of this one as well. I can't control anything that happens in this crazy life but I know that God knows absolutely everything and He always provides. It's not always easy, it's often painful and bumpy. As Romans 8:38-39 (NASB) says, "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,
nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." So I'll keep my chin up and rest in the care and protection of our loving Savior. As 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NASB) says, "we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;". March on Christian soldier, He will provide. In Christ, Josh

I think I might just understand what's going on now...

Welp, today went pretty well. We dropped Aaron off at the airport early this AM and then went to Sam's Club, then back to Hudson, then to Oakdale for an eye appointment I had. It was a good day. Nice to spend time with my sister Rachel and my mom, as well as saying bye to my big bro Aaron. I'll miss him but look forward to seeing him in the summer Lordwilling.....Anyway, about the title, I think I'm understanding what's going on now. I think that the Lord is showing me, much like He did Solomon in Ecclesiastes, that all things are worthless apart from Him. I've really been on edge lately always looking for something to keep myself busy with and having an unsettled mind despite being in a very settled home environment. I think that the Lord is reshifting my focus to Him away from all the external business I try to occupy myself with. Not to say that all of the external is bad but I think that I've become too preoccupied with it and lost focus on our Lord. I know that He will guide me through and deliver me from this. I think that it's time that I dug deeper into His Word and stayed in prayer on a continual basis. My only hope is in Christ and anything apart from Him leads to nothingness. "To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." (Psalm 25:1-5, NIV) Thank you Lord for Your provision. In Him, Josh

A lot of thinking and reflecting lately...

Since I've been home I've had a lot of time to think about everything...I've still been struggling with feeling down and stuff. A lot of the downess has come from questioning and doubting a lot of things which I really don't like. I've even begun to wonder if the NFL is set up because of how teams seem to win (maybe just because the Vikings lost in the playoffs tonight:)...But a much more serious area of questioning and sometimes doubting for me has been how to, by God's grace, live as a Christian. I get irritated with myself for being so bitter and upset with things in the church but become even more irritated when I don't know what the proper response is. I want to care for other Christians and respect them as the body of Christ but what if those other Christians seem to be living in disregard to the things of Christ? Why am I struggling so much to trust in Christ and not doubt Him after all that He has done to change my heart's motivations to desire to glorify Him? Why have I all of a sudden lost my motivation and sense of direction and feel like I'm at a dead end in life? Why do I feel so much closer to Christ when external circumstances seem to be at their worst? Why do I worry and stress out about so many things that I don't need to? Why am I struggling so much more with these thoughts and with sin in general than I have in the past? Why does it seem like so many professing Christians that I have known are either pretty careless about or walk away from Christianity as a whole?...... I know that our Lord holds the answers to all of these questions but I just struggle with my own thinking a lot of times. I guess I just need to be more prayerful and staying in God's Word and trust that He will allow me to persevere. I know that God allows times like these to happen in accordance with His purposes. I also know that God has chosen me as one of His children and nothing can pull me from His all-powerful hands. I know that He will give me direction and pray that He will use my life for whatever He sees as worthwhile. Life apart from Him is miserable and worthless so I pray that He will strengthen me and allow me to carry on. In Christ, Josh