Augh, why does it seem that, as a Christian, going to church is one of the most painful things for me. Lord knows and He'll provide...

Wow, going to church gives me one of the most 'fraidy cat feelings more than ever right now. I've, and my family, have seriously probably been to at least 70 churches over our lives and since I've been in college I've probably, at least visited, about 10 different ones. Church is really a tough point for me because I feel like I'm just not a good fit at most of the places I've been to. I'm not a super social bug but I still love to talk once I get to know people beyond the surface. In other words, while people at churches, especially other college students, are talking about college retreats and drinking their coffee and eating their doughnuts, I'm the one that's left out because I'm the newbie and haven't been a part of the group for 3 years. But when it really comes down to meeting a person for who they really are and what they truly desire in their lives, then I absolutely love to talk. The problem is almost exclusively conversations among college students and even kids and adults in modern churches seem to be more about the peripherals. Nobody, or very few, want to plunge beneath the surface and get to know the real person......So anyway, the church situation is really one that has caused me much turmoil and difficulty. Especially at college where I'm the only newbie and don't have my family as a cushion. The following is one that I've, sadly, put together in trying to decide where and with whom I should go to church this Sunday:

Option #1: Don't go, sit in my room and waste Sunday till the Super Bowl comes on.

Problem: As a Christian I'm commanded to go to church somewhere and be part of a body of believers. Also, I really don't like the feeling of not going to church. I feel like I'm missing something the rest of the day and even into the week.

Option #2: Go to the church I went to my first Sunday here at Baylor (I didn't go last week. Partly cause I was so down about this.) with the people I went with. Enjoy the same 'ol walk in, walk out message like I have all my life.

Problem: I don't particularly like just going to church, singing for a half hour, sitting down for 45 minutes, and leaving as quickly as possible. I've often wanted to do this just because I normally don't get to talk with anyone while others are chatting. If we are the body of Christ, shouldn't we be able to have deep, sincere conversations with each other with HIM and HIM alone as our connection point. Not coffee, retreat, or discussing TV sitcoms and sports. At least not letting these things dominate our conversations.

Option #3: Go to the same church with this really nice girl that invited me this week. However, this option poses more risks than the others. Since I'm pretty much black and she's white I risk being looked down on or stared at because of my small stature, color, and/or gender. However, if none of these are the case (which is tough for me to believe) I could get to know people and get more involved as opposed to just going and leaving (as in Option #2).

Problem: Many risks.

Question #4: Go to church that I've heard is semi-encapsulating and reclusive with its members. (Similar to the feel I got from Grace Community Church. Get involved with the church and stay there. You can't and won't leave, ever! You must only associate with "church people" and enjoy the company of fellow believers alone around special coffee and doughnuts and small groups and retreat groups.)

Problem: As God's Word says, we are to be the salt and light on the earth/world (Matt. 5:13-14). How can we be these when all we do is talk amongst ourselves! We need to get out and fulfill The Great Commision. How can we expect God's Word to impact people's lives if all we do is sit around drinking coffee, goofing around, and pretending to be scholarly, theological intellectuals. So theological that God's Word becomes something to joke around about, not the Ultimate Authority for governing our lives by.

I know that these are tough questions and I will need to be in much prayer for where and with whom I should be going to church with in the future. I'm thinking that I'm going to go with #3 for this week just because there are many risks involved. The other questions have seemingly been answered already so I could play it safe by going with them or I can take a risk.

But, in reality, I took a risk in coming down here to Baylor. I take risks all the time. I have too. There are many things that I have no idea what the outcome will be and just have to trust that the Lord will guide me in the right direction. But the wonderful thing is that I knw He will. All that He wants from me is a heart that desires to please Him and I pray that He gives my heart that desire more and more every day. When I try to manuever on my own, give in to areas that I'm tempted in, or just think that I can coast on through life into heaven, these are the times that I struggle. Because these are the times that I'm trying to make my own decisions and basically saying that, even though God has showed me countless times over the years that I can only be who He calls me to be by asking Him for grace to do so and trusting and following Him, I can do it on my own. I know what's best for me. While I think I do, I always end up regretting it and being ashamed and broken that my pride swelled into ignorance and caused me to make poor decisions.

I can only be who He calls me to be by His grace and I pray that no matter what happens, anything and everything that happens, that He allows my heart to solely desire to trust in Him and honor Him in every part of my being. Nothing else matters....

In Him, Josh

I know that everything will be alright in the end by God's grace, now if I could just trust that...

I dunno the last few days I've felt very worried and insecure with things. I've been tired and sleeping a lot more and feel on the edge with a lot of stuff. I really want to trust God with everything but don't feel like I am enough. I've really enjoyed being here at Baylor so far but am just having a difficult time being settled with everything. I keep getting concerned that I'm going to be rejected again. I don't want to feel this way but I really have a tough time getting over being treated poorly by people, even if it's only a few. I feel like I've been knocked down and getting back up will just cause me to get knocked down again soon. I get feeling really timid and shy around people and assume that they'll think the worst about me even if I didn't do anything wrong. I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point in their lives so I'm trying to think in that light. I think I've been sleeping more because I just want a hug or to hug my bed and not have to face the difficulties of the world ever again. Sin lurks around every corner, sometimes people that you trust very much give you a devastating blow to the face when you're not looking, you don't look like anyone else, you're constantly trying to find an identity in the different places you end up in life....the world definitely can seem like a hopeless ploy sometimes. But in reality I know that life is not hopeless. I serve a loving Savior who has placed me here in this time, this place, and this body for His purposes. Ya, maybe it isn't comfortable all the time but it doesn't need to be. My strength should be found solely in Christ, so if I'm looking for a hug or other illusions of true comfort, I need to realign my thinking. My only hope and strength is found in Christ and I know that He will provide. He continues to and I now that He will till He brings me on home. In Him, Josh

God's soverignty in the life of this child of His purely and absolutely defined...

Well, after all that is happened in the past two weeks, I must just stand back, look at the whole picture of things, and say "Thank You Lord!". There is absolutely positively no way that any of this could have happened apart from God's grace. I am still kind of sleepy but I know that the Lord will give me strength to adjust. After sitting in the dining room at home as a student planning to return as a student to The Master's College in Santa Clarita, CA two Tuesdays ago (January 6), I now sit in a dorm as a student at Baylor University in Waco, TX! So much has happened in the last two weeks that I'm still trying to figure out what to think of it myself. But I know that the Lord will provide, not only because I know that He has promised to provide which is enough in itself, but also because He has demonstrated His ultimate provision and soverignty in marvelous ways to me over the past two weeks! May He allow me to stay focused on Him and give my best effort toward my studies here at Baylor and may He be glorified as a result of everything! I'm ready to get some more sleep right now but again I am just very thankful for the Lord's provision. I pray that this encourages you as well!

In Christ, Josh Gilbert

Welp, a lot has happened in the last day and a half....

Imagine fearing that something horrible is going to happen and then it happens. I'm sure this has happened to you, but it has definitely happened to me in the last day and a half....Yesterday, about noon, I sent a message to one of the other students in the Physiology class that I completed last fall to see if she had recieved her grades for the class yet. I went outside and played with the dog for about an hour and back in the house recieved a reply to the message. She said that she had recieved her grades and was very dissapointed with them. After saying a quick prayer, I checked my grades as well and was jaw-dropping horrified. The very semester in which I had accumulated through the first 13 units about a 3.65 GPA drastically took a devastating turn. I recieved a C grade in my 3 credit Physiology I lecture class and an F grade in my 1 credit Physiology I lab class. I was horrified beyond words! All I could do was bang my fist on the table and stare with a blank mind at the posted grades. How could this happen? How could THIS happen? In the week prior I was looking at summer internships and trying to study to take the MCAT in April. And now, now I was trying to figure out where I would be attending college for the next semester! I know that this sounds too bad to be true. At least to me it does. Because I've already been to the bottom because of overscheduling. But this time, this time I had done nothing wrong. I studied the best and prepared the best that I could for both courses, ensuring that I focused my time and attention on these major courses. How could this happen? I feel like I've been living in a nightmare the last day and a half as I've frantically applied to University of Wisconsin Madison and Baylor University to see if I can get admitted for their respective Spring semesters. How bad can it get for a student? At what point does one start to lose his perception of all that is good because of gross injustices? How can one continue through this? How do you keep going? Well, I don't know. But I know that the Lord does and He's going to help me get out of this one as well. I can't control anything that happens in this crazy life but I know that God knows absolutely everything and He always provides. It's not always easy, it's often painful and bumpy. As Romans 8:38-39 (NASB) says, "For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers,
nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." So I'll keep my chin up and rest in the care and protection of our loving Savior. As 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 (NASB) says, "we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed;". March on Christian soldier, He will provide. In Christ, Josh

I think I might just understand what's going on now...

Welp, today went pretty well. We dropped Aaron off at the airport early this AM and then went to Sam's Club, then back to Hudson, then to Oakdale for an eye appointment I had. It was a good day. Nice to spend time with my sister Rachel and my mom, as well as saying bye to my big bro Aaron. I'll miss him but look forward to seeing him in the summer Lordwilling.....Anyway, about the title, I think I'm understanding what's going on now. I think that the Lord is showing me, much like He did Solomon in Ecclesiastes, that all things are worthless apart from Him. I've really been on edge lately always looking for something to keep myself busy with and having an unsettled mind despite being in a very settled home environment. I think that the Lord is reshifting my focus to Him away from all the external business I try to occupy myself with. Not to say that all of the external is bad but I think that I've become too preoccupied with it and lost focus on our Lord. I know that He will guide me through and deliver me from this. I think that it's time that I dug deeper into His Word and stayed in prayer on a continual basis. My only hope is in Christ and anything apart from Him leads to nothingness. "To you, O LORD, I lift up my soul; in you I trust, O my God. Do not let me be put to shame, nor let my enemies triumph over me. No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse. Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long." (Psalm 25:1-5, NIV) Thank you Lord for Your provision. In Him, Josh

A lot of thinking and reflecting lately...

Since I've been home I've had a lot of time to think about everything...I've still been struggling with feeling down and stuff. A lot of the downess has come from questioning and doubting a lot of things which I really don't like. I've even begun to wonder if the NFL is set up because of how teams seem to win (maybe just because the Vikings lost in the playoffs tonight:)...But a much more serious area of questioning and sometimes doubting for me has been how to, by God's grace, live as a Christian. I get irritated with myself for being so bitter and upset with things in the church but become even more irritated when I don't know what the proper response is. I want to care for other Christians and respect them as the body of Christ but what if those other Christians seem to be living in disregard to the things of Christ? Why am I struggling so much to trust in Christ and not doubt Him after all that He has done to change my heart's motivations to desire to glorify Him? Why have I all of a sudden lost my motivation and sense of direction and feel like I'm at a dead end in life? Why do I feel so much closer to Christ when external circumstances seem to be at their worst? Why do I worry and stress out about so many things that I don't need to? Why am I struggling so much more with these thoughts and with sin in general than I have in the past? Why does it seem like so many professing Christians that I have known are either pretty careless about or walk away from Christianity as a whole?...... I know that our Lord holds the answers to all of these questions but I just struggle with my own thinking a lot of times. I guess I just need to be more prayerful and staying in God's Word and trust that He will allow me to persevere. I know that God allows times like these to happen in accordance with His purposes. I also know that God has chosen me as one of His children and nothing can pull me from His all-powerful hands. I know that He will give me direction and pray that He will use my life for whatever He sees as worthwhile. Life apart from Him is miserable and worthless so I pray that He will strengthen me and allow me to carry on. In Christ, Josh