God's direction trumps our worries and fears

Thankfully, the Lord has provided me with adequate time and energy to reflect on things lately since arriving back home last week. One of the biggest lessons I've learned and continue to learn is that if the Lord wills for something to happen, it will happen. Regardless of perceived physical and mental incomptencies, the Lord will provide what is neccesary to bridge the gap if that's what he wants to happen. Heading into finals week this past semester, my two biggest concerns were trying to slightly boost my grade in a class which I was on the borderline with as well as keeping my small scholarship for the pending academic year. By God's grace, I was able to just barely (4 pt. cushion on a 100 pt. test) get the grade I was on the borderline with but just barely (0.05 GPA pt.) didn't do well enough to keep the scholarship. I was overjoyed with the former but understandably dissapointed with the latter. Most of my dissapointment was quelled in rethinking how I felt after finishing the test in the borderline class. I was just about positive that I didn't do well enough to make the next grade interval, but for some reason God granted me with that. Conversely, for some reason He didn't determine it to be best for me to keep the scholarship. This has helped to teach me that the Lord expects from His children only a heart that desires to please Him and work hard at whatever He puts before us. I've begun to see the scholarship removal as not so much of a loss, but more of a soverign event. There's no way for us to know how the Lord might weave present circumstances into the coming years of our lives for His plans and purposes. With this in mind, our second guessing and questioning of our decisions should be minimized in light of the reality that the Lord desires from us simply a heart that desires to please Him with what we do. We should ask for the Lord's wisdom and direction and choose confidently, knowing that the foundation for sound decision making has been established. My Mom is constantly reminding me not to focus on mapping the route to PA school, paying for college, etc. as much as to trust in the Lord, seek His direction, and give a full effort. May the Lord provide all of His children with this direction in the days to come that we may stand strong in Him no matter how tough things get.

In Him, Josh

The Lord knows what we need and when we need it...

I feel like this semester has been perhaps the most challenging of college in a variety of ways. Emotionally, spiritually, and physically, I've felt pushed to the limit quite frequently. I started the semester with high hopes about a girl that I had taken interest in and expressed mutual interest towards me. We were just at the point of setting up a time for lunch when I inadvertently mentioned the fact that I didn't have a car. Since e-mail is an emotional blank slate, I have no way of knowing what caused her to turn me down, but my guess would be that not having a car was a major factor. I was disheartened by this, which drove me to start working out, using the best hygiene I could, and working even harder at school. I decided that exhausting myself with good, benificial things was the best way to numb the disappointment. It has worked pretty well most of this semester, but at times things have seemed a little overbearing. I've had a hard time keeping conversation going because most of the time my brain is so filled with school stuff that I feel pretty emotionally stale. This has caused me to raise the question "What is the best way to honor God with our lives?" quite frequently. Academics have gone pretty well this semester but I've had a much tougher time being involved in other people's lives and not getting bitter at having to be a chronic workhorse. I understand the magnitude and importance of maximing educational performance, especially at the steep cost, but I have a hard time rationalizing "overdoing" it. I've been "overdoing" this semester, because I feel that it's neccesary at this time, but I have no desire or interest to immerse my being in the world of medicine to the point that I forget the magnificence and glory of our Creator. Conversely, I want to make sure that I'm giving a full effort at whatever I do in order to honor and glorify the Lord through it. There seems to be a delicate balance between busy body and lazy bum. My personality tends toward the busy, hard-working side because that's how I've grown up, but I'll be the first to admit that I frequently overdo it. With good intentions but not always wise ones. I come off as being self-centered but have no desire to be. I do poorly with school unless I directly focus my mental energy towards it and I soon as I enjoy keeping company with others, my grades suffer. This semester, trying to focus intently on school has helped me gradewise but I feel very empty socially. Which again leads me to raise the question, "What i the best way to honor God with our lives?" The only answer that I'm led to believe is that God places all of us in different circumstances for His purposes at different times and in different places. It's not up to us to complain about what we should be doing. Rather, we should ask for God's wisdom and direction when we feel overworked or that life is mundane. He knows what we need and when we need it....

Lord bless,

Josh

Finally have the time and energy to write a new blog...

So, this week is spring break which means I've finally gotten a decent amount of sleep and am feeling refreshed. This has turned out to be another very buy semester. I decided to take 18 units again and I'm tutoring part time at a local high school so thing have been very busy. Before you classify this schedule a being formulated out of stupidity and ignorance let me explain. It may sound controversial but in my opinion I'm preparing for the future. Who knows what the Lord has planned for the future and they way I feel the better I learn how to handle a busy schedule now the better I will be able to manage time in the future. In essence, I'm "working out the kinks", haha. Things have gone pretty well though. I was sick last week and had to fight through three big tests. Now I've had the weekend to recooperate and am feeling much better. One big problem I've had this semester is feeling alone pretty frequently. In other semesters, especially the last couple at Master's, by God's grace I had a solid group of friends to hang out with on the weekends. I've gotten pretty close with other fencers in the fencing club here at Baylor but I've found the weekends to be especially problematic. I try to avoid partying and drinking, not just because I'm underage but I feel that these things are a waste of time and typically lead to sinful activities. Most of the students here either go home on the weekends or party so I've had a tough time finding my niche. I've been thinking since the beginning of the semester that maybe I just need a girlfriend to be in a close relationship but lately I've figured that it would be more productive to get involved with a larger group of people as I have neither the time, resources, or energy to genuinely offer that kind of friendship to a girl. I want to be ready when God brings that opportunity though :) I wasn't aware of the many different club sports they have here at Baylor. I'll be very interested in joining the ultimate and cycling clubs in the fall Lordwilling as that should be the beginning of my last year of college. Spiritually, things have been just okay. I've been wasting time struggling to find an identity, outside of being a Christian. I'm very comfortable with just being a Christian and trying to enjoy life, but other people, especially one of the non-Christian guys I work with, has tried to find my "weaknesses" and exploit them. He constantly probes my mind, trying to make me want things that I don't have, (i.e. a girlfriend, a car, partying, drinking) and makes fun of me for having a sensitive conscience. My only comeback is that I'm a Christian and am just trying to do what's right. I know that I'm wasting my time when I try to find out "who I am" outside of Christ because that's all that I am. I'm sure that this will always be a struggle and ask God's grace to make up for my social incapabilities for His glory. I sure try and wish I could be more involved in the lives of other people but am confident that the closer I draw to the Lord the more He will open up those opportunities. I'll try to write more blogs this week with all of this downtime!

God bless,

Josh

(Psalm 73, Good, encouraging stuff by J.R.: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kggiAqrFD1s)

For every answer to life there seems to be multiple questions...still God's providence is more than sufficient...

It's really late so I probably won't write much. Actually, I think I'll try to just expound on this thought soon. Long week, haha. Good night.

My Favorite Life Memory (so far)...The Fight

Well, starting off, today was a crazy, filled day that I'll probably never forget. A lot of different things happened and it was entertaining but very productive and worthwhile to say the least. As I was walking back to my room just now, I recalled what seems to be my favorite life memory. As an 11-13 year-old amateur boxer, I fought this kid named Brent Steward three times. I only won the second of the three fights but the end of the second fight made for a moment I'll never forget. I came into the fight with an immense amount of nervous energy. As soon as the bell rung to get things started, it was as if I had been stung by a lightning bolt. I fought fiercely and aggresively all three rounds, attacking as if my life depended on it. When the final bell rung at the end of the third round, I stumbled back to my corner, incredibly exhuasted. No better sight could I have seen at that moment than that which I did. My Dad/coach was smiling hugely, arms wide open to greet me. He gave me the firmest hug I can ever remember as my body collapsed in his embrace. He put a quick kiss on my dirty, grimy, leather headgear and I felt as though the world had stopped for a minute. Never have I felt so incredible in my life. The decision hadn't even been announced yet but knowing that my Dad was so proud of my effort meant all the world to me. I wonder if this is why I like distance running so much. I get a similar feeling that almost brings me back to that moment when I know that I have given my all physically and mentally. If the Lord grants grace, I hope to have this feeling when I approach death. Exhausted physically, mentally, and spritually knowing that I gave my best effort and had a heart that desired to please Him. I can't imagine the joy that awaits every believer who places their trust in the Lord and fights to spread His Word throughout the world. As Paul says in 2 Timothy 4:7-8, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day-and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing."

God bless,

Josh