I'll start off by saying that I feel pretty nauseated and sick right now. I woke up this morning not feeling to well after an unsettled night of sleep last night but thankfully I had enough time to take two naps today.....Brandon, Jared, Cris, and I went to a Christmas dinner at a Mexican restaurant that was hosted by the tutoring place that I worked for last year. The food was good but I ate a little too much and I had too much soda pop so I feel pretty nauseated right now....Spiritually, I'm still struggling with things to the point of extremity. I feel like I have a lot of ups and downs throughout the course of a day, one minute I'm happy and content and at a peace with everything that the Lord is in control and the next minute I'm worried and guilty about the past and the fact that my faith in the Lord feels very weak right now. This is the worst feeling ever! I would rather have to retake Organic Chemistry for the rest of my life or even be excommunicated from the entire world than doubt the very One for whom I wish to honor with my life! As Psalm 13:1-2 (NIV) says, "How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?" I can only take solace in the verses that follow in Psalm 13:3-6 (NIV), "Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.".....This is like exactly how I feel right now. "How long, O Lord?" Is this punishment for sin? I don't know. I've tried avoiding things that might be needless and just distrct me from Christ but the struggle is still there. My conscience has become totally inflammed now and I'm fearful to even look at past assigments or present ones as I know that a tiny missed mistake or error on my part can throw my mind into a chaotic series of fits, accusing and overwhelming me. Equally difficult to me is the fact that I lose my motivation and sense of direction when I doubt the Lord which makes disciplining myself to study quite the task....I hope that I'm not being selfish here but I have to be honest. I can't fake and say everything's great if it's really not...Life is truly a battle. I learn that more and more every day. Nothing comes easy for the Christian....Maybe just the fact that I've been under a lot of diress this entire year is catching up with me....I know that whatever is going on in me right now, the Lord knows it and He will provide because He is faithful and true and has already hidden my life with Him in heaven (Colossians 3:3). He won't let me go back to the slavery of sin and though the battle is vicious, most if not all of the time, by His grace I will stand in Him. What a blessed assurance, huh? Can't wait to be with Him when this short life comes to a close, but He has me here for now at this place and time for His purposes and I thank Him for that. The Lord always knows whats best for His children.
For His glory throughout eternity, Josh
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