Wow, going to church gives me one of the most 'fraidy cat feelings more than ever right now. I've, and my family, have seriously probably been to at least 70 churches over our lives and since I've been in college I've probably, at least visited, about 10 different ones. Church is really a tough point for me because I feel like I'm just not a good fit at most of the places I've been to. I'm not a super social bug but I still love to talk once I get to know people beyond the surface. In other words, while people at churches, especially other college students, are talking about college retreats and drinking their coffee and eating their doughnuts, I'm the one that's left out because I'm the newbie and haven't been a part of the group for 3 years. But when it really comes down to meeting a person for who they really are and what they truly desire in their lives, then I absolutely love to talk. The problem is almost exclusively conversations among college students and even kids and adults in modern churches seem to be more about the peripherals. Nobody, or very few, want to plunge beneath the surface and get to know the real person......So anyway, the church situation is really one that has caused me much turmoil and difficulty. Especially at college where I'm the only newbie and don't have my family as a cushion. The following is one that I've, sadly, put together in trying to decide where and with whom I should go to church this Sunday:
Option #1: Don't go, sit in my room and waste Sunday till the Super Bowl comes on.
Problem: As a Christian I'm commanded to go to church somewhere and be part of a body of believers. Also, I really don't like the feeling of not going to church. I feel like I'm missing something the rest of the day and even into the week.
Option #2: Go to the church I went to my first Sunday here at Baylor (I didn't go last week. Partly cause I was so down about this.) with the people I went with. Enjoy the same 'ol walk in, walk out message like I have all my life.
Problem: I don't particularly like just going to church, singing for a half hour, sitting down for 45 minutes, and leaving as quickly as possible. I've often wanted to do this just because I normally don't get to talk with anyone while others are chatting. If we are the body of Christ, shouldn't we be able to have deep, sincere conversations with each other with HIM and HIM alone as our connection point. Not coffee, retreat, or discussing TV sitcoms and sports. At least not letting these things dominate our conversations.
Option #3: Go to the same church with this really nice girl that invited me this week. However, this option poses more risks than the others. Since I'm pretty much black and she's white I risk being looked down on or stared at because of my small stature, color, and/or gender. However, if none of these are the case (which is tough for me to believe) I could get to know people and get more involved as opposed to just going and leaving (as in Option #2).
Problem: Many risks.
Question #4: Go to church that I've heard is semi-encapsulating and reclusive with its members. (Similar to the feel I got from Grace Community Church. Get involved with the church and stay there. You can't and won't leave, ever! You must only associate with "church people" and enjoy the company of fellow believers alone around special coffee and doughnuts and small groups and retreat groups.)
Problem: As God's Word says, we are to be the salt and light on the earth/world (Matt. 5:13-14). How can we be these when all we do is talk amongst ourselves! We need to get out and fulfill The Great Commision. How can we expect God's Word to impact people's lives if all we do is sit around drinking coffee, goofing around, and pretending to be scholarly, theological intellectuals. So theological that God's Word becomes something to joke around about, not the Ultimate Authority for governing our lives by.
I know that these are tough questions and I will need to be in much prayer for where and with whom I should be going to church with in the future. I'm thinking that I'm going to go with #3 for this week just because there are many risks involved. The other questions have seemingly been answered already so I could play it safe by going with them or I can take a risk.
But, in reality, I took a risk in coming down here to Baylor. I take risks all the time. I have too. There are many things that I have no idea what the outcome will be and just have to trust that the Lord will guide me in the right direction. But the wonderful thing is that I knw He will. All that He wants from me is a heart that desires to please Him and I pray that He gives my heart that desire more and more every day. When I try to manuever on my own, give in to areas that I'm tempted in, or just think that I can coast on through life into heaven, these are the times that I struggle. Because these are the times that I'm trying to make my own decisions and basically saying that, even though God has showed me countless times over the years that I can only be who He calls me to be by asking Him for grace to do so and trusting and following Him, I can do it on my own. I know what's best for me. While I think I do, I always end up regretting it and being ashamed and broken that my pride swelled into ignorance and caused me to make poor decisions.
I can only be who He calls me to be by His grace and I pray that no matter what happens, anything and everything that happens, that He allows my heart to solely desire to trust in Him and honor Him in every part of my being. Nothing else matters....
In Him, Josh
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