If there is one thing I've learned from this semester, it's the fact that I am a very weak and vulnerable being. I try to put on the facade of being tough and rough, able to survive and thrive in the hardest of circumstances. That's exactly why, when my grades started dropping at the beginning of this semester, I reevaluated my motives. My thoughts started to drift. I thought, "Well, right now I'm trying to obey the Lord and look where it's gotten me. I'm enjoying my time with other people, I'm enjoying fencing, and I'm enjoying life. But,,, I have poor grades." My errant solution, "God must not care about me. I've got to make my own way. If I want to do well it's up to me to make that happen." So, as the grades improved, my attitude toward the things of Christ soured. I began to wonder why I even believed what I believed, seeing that currently I was able to do a decent enough job of making my own way, much better than I had in the past. However, I've recently come to the conclusion that no matter what "gains" I make in life, they are nothing apart from Christ. I have no care about the job or salary I need to make if I am embittered and untrusting of the things of Christ. I might always sound self-centered in the notes that I write but I hope that's not the case. I'm just a man like every other, having a changed heart only by God's grace. I struggle, discourage, fatigue and exhaust just like every other human. Any strength that I try to muster on my own is useless. I can't be who God calls me to be unless every moment of my day is spent meditating on Him and His Word. As Luke 12:25-28 (NASB) says, "And which of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life's span? If then you cannot do even a very little thing, why do you worry about other matters?
Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; but I tell you, not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass in the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, how much more will He clothe you? You men of little faith!" Why can't I remember that? Why do I even dare to be strong on my own? These verses strike a vital cord in the pride and arrogance that have characterized my life lately. What has caused me to forget that every breath I take is a gift from the Lord? He brought me to Master's! He brought me to Baylor! If He wants me to stay at Baylor He will provide for me to stay here! Dear Lord, I repent of my foolish desire to try and manage things on my own. Please forgive me, I have inflicted this misery on myself. Help me to know that you are the only true source of joy and gratification in the life of the believer. My heart is heavy because I know that I have not trusted your provision during this semester. I forfeited Your provisional grace and strength and have tried to fight without You, the God who has saved and delivered me from eternity and hell. How can I be joyful and settled when I lose faith in You? You have been and will continue to be my strength and contentment. Please give me strength I need to stay afloat in these difficult classes. If it's not Your will for me to continue down this road, please help me to know what you want me to do. Lord, you know what is best for me and every believer. Whatever life throws at me now and in the future, please help me never to forsake You strength for my own. I am frail, weak, and in need of Your grace and strength. Keep me safe from the enemy and help me to open Your Word daily so that You may provide me with the wisdom and instruction that I need for each day. May You be glorified in all that I do! Amen.
Hopeful in knowing that He will provide in His time,
Josh
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