Very, very thankful but still trying to sort everything out...

I've had a really tough time lately not being fearful and nervous about my obvious imperfection. Whatever it is, I feel like the bar is set so high with things. I feel like I must get a 3.5-4.0 for my 13 hours of classes this semester, I must be a good friend to others and treat people in a way that glorifies the Lord, and I feel like I'm almost waiting for something bad to happen. I'm almost thinking, "Ok, that worked out good, hmm worked out good again, when is the bad gonna come because I know it's inevitable." I feel insecure also because, no matter how much I desire to glorify the Lord with my life, I continue to stumble. I'll be totally downcast and without hope and when the Lord grants me the grace to stand up again I'll start to think, "Oh, I got this now" and get prideful and stuff. I HATE THIS. I also hate when I struggle with looking down on people because I know how much this hurts from my own experiences. I just hate sin as a whole which should make me even more grateful that the Lord has delivered me from its ultimate binding grasp. The tough part is that I know that I will never be perfect and must depend on the Lord's guidance and strength to make it through each day. What do I have to pride myself in? And I'm serious here. What have I ever done or said apart from God's grace that has been of any value. I'm a nobody just like the next guy apart from God's grace. If I had to control my life what a scary scenario that would be. I don't know what next year or even the next day holds in my life most of the time. But I know that, instead of insecurity, this should cause me to trust the Lord more and more deeply as the days pass. So I guess trusting the Lord is the biggest thing. Not trying to overthink or overmanipulate things but just trust in Him and continue to ask Him for guidance. It's so tough not to feel ill-equipped for the battles of each day though. All the sin in this world just continues to sink my heart and for me to know that aprt from God's grace I'm the same way just crushes me even more. I'm so easily tempted and lead astray apart from His grace. But, I will continue to press on, by His grace and prayerfully for His glory, trusting that He will provide in the best way no matter how much I struggle in my sinful humanity. Man, it'll be great to be in heaven and not have to worry about sin anymore. But for now, God wants me and every other earth-living Christian here. "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139:23-24, NIV)

Realizing my falleness apart from His grace, Josh Gilbert